“The Girls’ Guide to Dating Zombies”
by
Lynn Messina
Published by Potatoworks Press
Action/Adventure, Comedy,
Mystery/Thriller, Romance
BLURB:
Hattie
Cross knows what you're thinking: Zombie sex? Ewwwww. But she also knows that
since a virus turned 99.9999 percent of human males into zombies, it's
statistically impossible to meet--let alone date--the remaining 0.00001
percent. So she writes "The Girls' Guide to Dating Zombies" to help her
fellow single women navigate the zombie-relationship waters.
Her practical how-to impresses the CEO of the largest drug company in the
world, and before she knows it, Hattie, a reporter for a downmarket tabloid
that specializes in conspiracy theories, is sitting down with the woman who
single-handedly invented the zombie-behavioral-modification market. Granted
access to the inner sanctum of zombaceuticals, she meets an actual, living,
breathing M-A-N.
Now
Hattie, the consummate professional, is acting like a single girl at the end of
the twentieth century: self-conscious, klutzy and unable to form a coherent
sentence without babbling. Worst of all, the human male appears to have
impaired her ability to think clearly. Because all of a sudden she's convinced
a conspiracy is afoot at the drug company and it seems to go all the way to the
top!
EXCERPT #1:
Introduction
Why Date a Zombie?
IF
YOU’VE BOUGHT this book, then you’re either dating a zombie or thinking about
dating a zombie. You know that in this postblight world, your chances of
getting hijacked by a terrorist, being staked to a bamboo pole in the
Heilongjiang Province of Inner Mongolia and having your spleen eaten by a
saber-tooth tiger are eight times greater than meeting one of the estimated
344,923 men left on the planet.
You’re
a practical young woman who isn’t willing to waste her time on impossible
fantasies sold to her by the Hollywood dream machine.
Welcome
to the rest of your life.
Naturally,
as sensible as you are, part of you can’t help but wonder if dating a zombie is
settling. Can’t a woman like you—smart, funny, attractive, kind—do better than
an animated clump of rotting flesh that lives only to consume brains?
No,
you can’t.
With
99.9999 percent of the male population transformed into zombies, all that are
left are animated clumps of rotting flesh that live only to consume brains.
But
you don’t have to be a glass-half-empty girl. Your cup runneth over. You just
have to be able to see it.
And
that’s why you’re reading The Girls’
Guide to Dating Zombies. This book will help you understand and navigate
the challenges and rewards of the zombie-dating lifestyle. You’ll learn how to…
·
Meet zombies.
Discover where they hang out and who they hang out with. The best zombie
hotspots are just around the corner!
·
Talk to zombies.
Chatting with the reliving is easier than you’ve ever imagined! All you need to
know are a few key phrases and you and a zombie can have hours of deep,
meaningful conversation.
·
Dance with zombies. They might not have brains but boy, do they have rhythm. Master the
step-drag-step of their beloved merengue and dance the night away with the
zombie of your dreams.
·
Make love with zombies. Physical contact doesn’t have to be icky or gross.
With the right accessories and hygiene products, the fetid flesh of a zombie
can smell as lovely as a garden rose.
·
Cohabitate with zombies. Zombieproofing your home has never been so easy! A
few simple changes will make your living room a safe environment for any
zombie, however oblivious to fire, sharp corners and the precious Ming vase your
grandmother left you.
· Medicate
zombies. Medication is domestication.
All a zombie needs to be a productive member of society is the right dosage.
The chart in chapter 21 makes it easy for you to figure out which pills your
zombie needs and when.
Remember,
at the heart of every relationship is companionship, and this is what zombies
provide—in spades.
Zombies
are steady.
Zombies
are reliable.
Zombies
are here.
Plus,
they love to go shoe shopping (more about that later!).
I’m
not saying that zombies are better than men. Perish the thought! But men are
gone and now we women have to do what we’ve done since time immemorial: Make
the best of what we have.
And
it’s a pretty darn good best!
Trust
me, I know. I’ve been having satisfying zombie relationships for over six years
and with the help of this book, you will too. Turn the page to get started
right now.
EXCERPT #2:
The Sweet Treat Sofa
The High-Fiber Breakfast Hour’s
Sweet Treat segment kicks off every morning with a flashing red light, a
piercing police siren and a dancing pink panda carrying a fuchsia sign that
says, i love high-fructose corn syrup
fluff from funfoods, across the set. The crowd hoots and hollers because
everyone loves a pink panda hopped up on sugar.
The director points to the host, who smiles into the
camera as it cuts to her from the audience. “Good morning and welcome back to The High-Fiber Breakfast Hour. Joining
me on the luscious pink sofa today is an extra sweet treat for you: Hattie
Cross, author of The Girls’ Guide to
Dating Zombies.” Delia Fortune, a former Miss America with a towering
strawberry bouffant and sparkling superwhite teeth, turns to me with a
searching look. “Hattie, we have lots of ground to cover, but I’m going to get
right to the nitty-gritty and say, Zombie sex. Ewww.”
I laugh. It’s completely forced and fake, but I’m on a
national morning show with a pink panda and a strawberry bouffant. If I can’t
roll with a few ewwws, then I should
have stayed in bed. “Fair enough. The thought makes a lot of women go ewww.” I
look to the audience. “Am I right?”
The response is mixed. Some women clap, but an almost
equal number boo. I’m not surprised. Zombie sex has been around for almost as
long as variant Y zombies.
“I can tell from the response that some of the ladies
here have tried it.” Another round of cheers follows. “I’ll admit that sex with
a zombie isn’t the ideal situation. The ideal situation is sex with a human
male. Who here has had sex with a human male?”
Dead silence.
“None of us, right? Because human males haven’t
existed for the average woman in twenty years. So if you keep that in mind,
zombie sex isn’t bad at all. It can certainly be more satisfying than
masturbation.” I turn to my host with a twinkle in my eye. “I’m sorry. Can I
say masturbation on morning TV?”
Delia twinkles back. “Of course. It’s 2020. You can
say anything. But let’s get really real: Zombies smell. They lose body parts.
Their flesh is decaying.”
I nod profusely. “All valid points. However, with the
right drug regimen, these conditions can be controlled. For example, Zombreeze
neutralizes zombie smell from the inside. It can even make your boyzomb smell
like roses. I devote an entire chapter to zombaceuticals in my book.”
“I’m glad you brought up drugs. Isn’t it true that you
have to medicate zombies for them to have sex? Doesn’t that underscore how
unnatural the act is?”
“All living and reliving things have a sex drive,” I
explain. “It’s the basic nature of the beast. Sure, you have to use certain
chemical stimulants in order for the zombie to perform physically, but the
drive is there. Think of the late-twentieth-century male suffering from
erectile dysfunction. It’s the same principal.”
The audience cheers again. “All right. But kissing.
You have to admit that’s pretty gross.”
“Oh, completely,” I say with girlish glee. The effort
of being so aggressively upbeat is starting to make me light-headed, but I stay
the course. “Kissing a zombie isn’t for everyone. It’s certainly not for me.
But that’s a decision each woman should be free to make. Again, I refer you to
late-twentieth-century practices that some women chose to perform and others
didn’t. I think of kissing as the equiv-alent to what used to be described as
swallowing.” I nod to the audience. “You know what I’m talking about, right?”
The cheers turn into howls and last a full thirty
seconds.
Delia quiets the audience with a wave. “All right.
We’ve talked about the worst part of dating a zombie. Now let’s talk about the
best. What tops the list?”
“Never having to sit by the phone waiting for him to
call. No mind games. No wondering if he likes you or doesn’t like you. No
obsessing,” I say, referring to the common neurotic female practice that was at
the heart of dating human males two decades ago.
“I can get behind that,” Delia says.
“So I’m starting to win you over?”
BUY LINKS:
Amazon:
Barnes & Noble:
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
 |
Click banner to see where else
Lynn will be stopping on her
tour. |
Lynn
Messina grew up on Long Island and studied English at Washington University in
St. Louis. She has worked at the Museum of Television & Radio (now the
Paley Center for Media), TV Guide, In Style, Rolling Stone, Fitness, ForbesLife,
Self, Bloomberg Markets and a host of wonderful magazines that have long since
disappeared. She mourns the death of print journalism in New York City, where
she lives with her husband and sons. She is author of six novels, including the
best-selling Fashionistas, which has been translated into 15 languages.
